I feel I should dedicate an entire post to this one event, just as a way to continue its effects, so to speak. And yes, I can talk now. Our 'vigil" ended at 4:42 (don't ask me why they chose that time, but they did).
First of all, it's an on-campus student-housing-committee hosted event, meaning that the people are usually either RAs or dorm people. Second of all, it WAS thought-provoking, as anything that involved random people who in all appearances are complete, unrelated strangers, wandering around on campus wearing the same-logoed shirt and a yellow card. What I remained depressed about was that why people was curious, they were not curious ENOUGH. Most of the response I've heard, unbeknownest to the speakers, were along the lines of oh-I-wonder-what-that's-all-about and very few people actually asked about it.
Another reflection on how hard this actually is, even for me. You don't realize the little things you say each day instinctively, such as "excuse me", "thanks", "bless you" and when people walk into you or you walk into things--"ow." It actually took quite a bit of self control for me, catching myself before the first syllable pops out of my mouth. Have discovered my apparent talent in taking part in short conversations without talking but of course, that depended mostly on who's at the other end of the conversation.
Unlike some of the other people who were in this (we had a recap-meeting a few minutes after the event ended), I don't usually speak up, in any sense of the term "speaking up". Unlike them, I don't babbel or converse or correct people, but I realized (maybe it's just this year, or maybe I've been doing it always and have just now realized) that I comment fairly often as a way of responding to events, and I question...well...nearly everything. When my chem lab partner griped and made a snide remark about being partnered with 'Hellen Keller' (which I really don't blame her for, per se, because I can imagine how annoying it must be for her at the other end when your chem partner can't speak) it was incredibly tempting to make a sarcastic remark back. I didn't, of course, and found out that I can probably, in fact, keep silence.
What I've also never fully appreciated is the impact a smile can make. I mean yes, I prefer it when people smile at me rather than scowl or glare at me and yes, I do smile myself, frequently randomly. Most of that, though, is just a process that I don't think about--I smile when I think/see something funny/nice. I seldom consciously think about smiling (which is probably a good thing, considering the unfortunate effect conscious thought seems to have on my physical performance of any sort). Today though, coming out of a lab that lasted longer than necessary, I met another girl who's doing silent solidarity. We don't know each other. Our eyes met. She smiled at me and I smiled back, and I feel immediately better. It is really quite something.
On the other note in this seemingly inane ramble, I know that when I do speak up, really speak up, people listen, and to some degree I've always taken this for granted. There are times to keep quiet yes, but speaking up occasionally does have its purposes, especially if you're doing it for others who can't.
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