I haven't typed anything here in a while. Compared to when I started blogger or when I was in my first year at college it'd probably seem like I'm slacking off. In fact, I am slacking off on my posts. I don't update with clockwork regularity anymore and sometimes I wonder if I should. It's as if another small piece of structure-ness is gone from my very scheduled and agenda-ed life and I miss it even though I don't, really. I think a little bit more spontaneity will be good for me. (At least, at this stage.)
I have missed my long, drawn-out, and thoughtful (i.e. reflective and boring) post this year on Winter Solstice. This is my make up post. You have been warned. Flee while you can.
No really, I've given some thought about my blog posts (probably more than necessary). On one hand I think, with some perseverance and self-discipline, this is good writing practice. On the other hand, there is, of course, the time issue. It really doesn't have to be that much of an issue. I don't have to type an entire essay every day (though some of my posts will inevitably ramble on and on, take a detour, get lost, consult a map, wander some more, realize that the map is upside-down before eventually finding their way and getting back to the topic). I CAN type only a sentence one some days (though I'd have to make sure that that sentence is grammatically correct in every which way or else I'll NEVER hear the end of it). It's definitely doable. The main question is, why should I bother? Is the incentive to improve my writing (free-style, no less, and therefore not very applicable to my foreseeable future) enough for me to post 365 times, if not more, per year? Increasingly my decisions are based less on what others want and more on what I want. I'm beginning to do a lot more things for my own sake than for others. I think it's normal. I wonder if it means that I've grown more selfish over the years. I meant to write those two sentences in that order. I start a lot of sentences with "I."
Without doubt I should try to improve grammar for my own sake, even if I wish Kate would stop making those really awful pained expressions every time I trip over my conjugations and declensions. (I think my mistakes actually cause her physical pain. I don't know whether to be worried or amused about this and I suspect I never will -- know, I mean.)
I'm not sure yet, but I suspect I may start developing some sort of a schedule again, starting next (school) year.
I think an extra bit of structure will be comforting then, no matter where I end up.
Right now? Right now I've reached the stage where I'm hit by a wave of nausea every time I think about my applications. I KNOW this isn't healthy and I KNOW it's just nerves and I KNOW I can get it under control in a week, if not less. I'm just not sure if I want to become blase (someone please tell me how to do the little accent marks in the "edit html" window of the blog post window) about all this. It feels good, in a way, to want something this much. In order to have this, however, I'd have to accept the negative side -- the stress and disappointments -- too, and I don't want to deal with that, yet. It's childish, but I want to hold on to this jumbled ball of oh-my-god and what-if and I-hope for just a few more days because right now, this tells me (loud and clear)how much all of this matters to me. I can achieve zen (and maybe talk to one of the Zens; somehow I suspect that Lucy's Zen'd be the one with the most optimistic outlook so maybe I'll try contacting him). It's simple. I just have to enter the mind set that This Doesn't Matter. Nothing to it. And so...I think, "a few more days."
Have I changed at all within the past (calendar) year? I have. Is it for the better? I would like to say yes, except I can't in honesty say that because I have no idea. (How do you add up an irrational infinite series that alternate between the positive and the negative? How can you know, in a sequence of random numbers, whether the final sum would be positive or negative?) (And why yes, holiday time is Writing Time, don't you know? Guess which character I'm working on.) I have no idea about a lot of things. It's very unsettling even though I know that everyone's...in the same boat, so to speak, but then that isn't very comforting either and I'm not the sort of person who's easily comforted anyway so somehow, in the overall scheme of things, it all works out: I don't know if I'm becoming a better person, but I know I'm still trying and that I'm not giving up, no matter what, and that's (almost) good enough. I am still thankful for my friends and family, I still accumulate books and plants (despite of my attempts to stop with the plant accumulation, but I enjoy it too much and so didn't try very hard). I despise exams and enzyme kinetics. I still forget to close the trash lid all the way sometimes but at least I remember to wash the dishes very conscientiously. I still over think things but I'm, finally, beginning to figure out how to simplify some things so that the equation doesn't just overwhelm me with the sheer number of variables that I have to keep track of. Mike would be proud of me. Mike grew three more leaves. (There are many Mikes around.) In the overall scheme of things, another year has ended and... well.
That's pretty much it. Just "well."
Cheers.
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