No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition

Once every other week my mother inquires about whether or not I have a boyfriend yet. I'm starting to seriously consider the logistics of developing a teenage crush. Logically it seems fairly simple: crush = someone you like + physical attraction. Liking people is easy for me, even if trusting them may not always be. Considering that I spent most of my formative years being trained on how to notice the details of anything attractive around me and transferring them into 2D media, the case should be simple enough -- I find someone I like, pick out all the things that are attractive about him, and think about it enough until physical attraction develops.

On the other hand, I think I just used the word "logic" and "teenage crush" in the same paragraph and that may have just invalidated my entire hypothesis by default.

The other option is starting to go to bars after lab. Considering we just had three rape/assault cases at my school in the past month and that my female classmates who live near campus have taken to forming groups while leaving lab (or calling up escort service), and considering the fact that I get home by myself via bus after dark each day, I feel like I shouldn't push my luck too much. Also, I need to take into account the fact that I'm not sure if bars are the right place to start a long term relationship such as the ones that mom seems to have in mind. Add to that mix that I've never been in a bar before and I don't even drink alcohol and...oh dear, what would I be doing in a bar? Drink water and stare at ESPN?

On top of that (worrisome note: I'm proud of my patience, but it's not infinite and I'm not sure how long it'll last at the current rate) mom told me, cheerfully last night, that she'd prepared a list of questions she wanted to ask me and that I should set aside some time during the week that she has off so she can go through that list with me. She is my mother. I find the entire list-of-questions idea, quite frankly, terrifying. She means well. It's still terrifying. The chances that the experience will be traumatizing are just too high.

Help.