Genuinely flawed

Hosting a speaker for lunch today was surprisingly fun, despite of the fact that there was a moment of panic this morning when one of the students who had originally signed up came down sick and I had to swap in someone else in her place. The seminar speaker seems to like me too, which was strange, considering that I was much more myself than I perhaps should've been. Then again, coming back after New Year's I've broken almost every single rule I've ever made for myself, about the things I cannot say to other people and emotions I can't show. It had seemed simple enough at the beginning. Well-meaning enough. Doing and saying certain things will only bother people, be a burden to them, so I won't. I want to become a better person than I am, so the way to start, simply, was to pretend to be a better person. There is a difference. My thoughts are still my own, I just don't share them.

Yet somehow, despite of the fact that I have said, no, no more, if I want to be kind I must reach the state where I can feel kind and despite of the fact that I am showing people, co-workers and classmates who have never seen this side of me, that I can be petty, sarcastic, impatient, vindictive, whiny, and so much imperfections somehow people seem to like me the better for it. Is it because it makes me easier to relate to, despite of my relative strangeness? Does it make me seem more normal? Or is it that something genuine, even if it contains so much ugliness, is still attractive? Why is it that forcing others to cope with facets of personality that they do not like worthy of like? Somehow the math doesn't quite add up -- keep adding negative numbers will never give a positive result. Or at least it shouldn't. Perhaps I am only a foil of others, since we like to see faults that we can laugh at in others, many television programs being examples. It is all very confusing.

Still, all this serves to make me realize how much I appreciate honesty.

....

A post-doc from my lab left this Tuesday. She went back to northern China to a part that, after south Cal, will be like moving to Siberia. I am not a little awed by her courage. I also miss her. She was very nice to me.