As people might have guessed from my previous post, one of my experiments, one of the ones that I have spent MONTHS AND MONTHS tormenting myself over, worked. This prompted a fit of ecstasy because there's no euphoria like the feeling when you discover something that no one else in the world knows, and you know that this is not an exaggeration.
I allowed myself thirty minutes of grinning like a idiot before sensibility has to set in and I had to remind myself of just how much more work I have to do in order for this new bit of information to be in anyway useful. But well, that's how it works.
Then another one of my experiments, that I have also been banging my head against a desk for for months and months, also seemed to have worked. I say "seemed" because I cannot seem to convince my collaborator that my signal is real, for a variety of reasons partly stemming from the fact that I don't have QUITE the right type of instrument to record the data (can't use his -- their lab needs it all the time and the only time they don't need it it's after hours and I can't get into their building or lab anyway, given that the whole thing is locked and I don't have the access codes), to the fact that he specialized in hematopoiesis and I specialize in...neural progenitor cells, apparently. But the signal--if it's real-- is expressed exactly where I expect it to be according to my recordings so I had an entire hour of excitement before he mailed back and told me he remains unconvinced.
So now I'm designing three parallel experiments to try to convince him (yes it's important-- if I can't convince a collaborator, then I have no right to expect that I can convince the scientists who are going to review my manuscript).
This happens to be the collaborator who has emailed my PI behind my back (and he still has not acknowledged that he did this, so I guess we are pretending that this did not happen?) and who DID meet up with my PI without my knowledge. Apparently he was concerned that this one experiment is all that I'm doing and that it's taking me over a year and I still have no convincing data. I feel a little -- okay, a lot -- insulted that he thought this is what my capabilities are, though I will acknowledge that IF this is what he believed, he had a right to express concern -- I'd fire me if this were true. I was a little frustrated by this misunderstanding because I did offer to explain my project to him, two or three times, so he can see where our collaboration (which is about 1/12th of my dissertation in terms of itemize experiments at the most and only registered on the priority list because there's a collaborator involved) fits in, but it never happened due to time constraint on his part. So I felt this misunderstanding is unnecessary, not to mention...did he really have to go behind my back to my thesis advisor directly? Really?
Pondering this led me back to a black mood, which directly led to a fit of frustration during which I jury-rigged our million-dollar microscope with LED and tape (which led to one of the post-docs nicknaming me "MacGyver") (which is a new one and, after googling it, I decided that I'm quite flattered by this) so I can re-image my previous three experiments and sent my collaborator the results, which he decided are much better. That was score one for me and my roll of tape (yes I did restore the microscope afterwards -- the other post-docs who need it would throw a fit if I didn't), and I was somewhat cheered.
Then I got a notification that the frame for my new glasses were not covered by my insurance because it was bought at an unrecognized location, despite of the fact that I bought it at the student optometry center where I got my lenses, which were covered. I have yet to sort out but ugh, paper work.
After that I sorted through a bunch of data for my behavioral tests and realized that the really cool bit of data for one of them is no longer statistically significant, after I added in the new data. Lack of significance, when compared to the data from the previous cohort, is very hard to decipher. Cue long moments of staring at my monitor, with that tune -- what's it called? Eye of the Storm?--running through my head. Current interpretation: inconclusive, dammit.
Then I got a very bizarre email from an undergraduate who wanted to know if I was still TAing the course I did last year. When I told her no, she emailed again and asked if I would be willing to help in a review session anyway, despite of the fact that I pointed out to her that there are actual TAs with actual access to the course material who will be running finals review sessions for the course. Though for all I know she could just be emailing all the former TAs individually until she got one that said "yes" (I told her I'd be willing to help answering any question she has about the course material provided that it can fit into my--currently insane--schedule), I decided to feel tentatively flattered by this. (No one I know has been emailed for help after they're done TAing before.) We'll see how legit it is when she mails back possible times.
And then I got my spring evaluation, which means I need to schedule my annual thesis committee meeting pronto, which leads to the scheduling thing in Doodle and two months of time frame I gave to five professors and somehow, of the two professors who have signed in, there are only three days, in a two month period, when they would both have free time. I cringe to think of what the overlap will look like when all five have signed in. Perhaps I ought to have given them four months to pick from?
Many people have compared herding PIs to herding cats. I have had experience in both. My conclusion is that herding cats is infinitely easier because, for all that they may hiss and scratch, I still out-rank them in the grand scheme of things. I cannot drag a hissing and scratching PI from under the couch, so: cats? Easier.
I can spend both days at home this weekend, instead of in lab. This is an automatic brownie point in terms of mood, even if I have to spent a lot of time pouring over papers and data, while muttering to myself like a madman. There are benefits to being at home. Home is where tea is. And ice cream. And sun. It would seem, at a glance, to be ridiculous to be missing the sun while residing in southern California, but such is the fate of a bench scientist-in-training.
And then I got an email for the exam for the martial arts class I've started taking, which I have adored mostly because I live in my head enough as it is and the classes are my two hours each week where I a) learn how to fall without hurting myself and defend myself against someone twice my size and b) am forced (Karen threatened to thwack me with a stick if I didn't stop thinking before I made every move) to be aware of my body as something more than a handy place to house my brain. It is oddly relaxing. Until I get exam notices apparently. I have nothing against the ranking system but another exam. Right after the Greece trip apparently. And I have watched an exam before and it's done with all the people staring at you and it's creepy and I do not need more stress. No. But I suppose it's ...good for personal growth or something. Between the thesis committee scrutinizing my mind and the testing committee scrutinizing my body I, if nothing else, will (need to) become very comfortable with both my mental and physical self very soon. No seriously, I am trying to figure out how mandatory is the exam. So I can figure out if I can skip it.
This requires more tea.
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