A strange form of feminism

I've had too much tea, am in a writing mood, and am sick of people saying that feminists are "just" women who are bitter because they don't have a (good) boyfriend, are not "real" women, etc. I realized that I've never talked about this explicitly before, but I'm going to attempt to explain what my definition of a "feminist" is, why I would refer to myself as one, and why I think it's necessary. And then I will ramble off target and be confused at what some people are saying because, what? People. Seriously. What. 

Right, here we go.
1) What is a feminist?

According to the online dictionaries, feminism is:

noun
1.the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.
2. an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.
3.feminine  character.

Definition the first is essentially what I consider as feminism. A feminist is someone who advocates that men and women should have equal rights. The "social, political, and all other rights" is kind of vague. To me, my main concerns are that women should have a choice to be educated (e.g. going to college, learning to read, which is casually forbidden still, in many parts of the world), they should have a say in marriage (e.g. the right to refuse to marry someone, the choice to marry or stay single, the choice to nullify an unsuitable marriage with no heavier penalty than their male counterpart), and that standards for employment and conduct for women should be equal to that of men (this is harder to define, because in work place and such, promotion and employment has such a personal aspect to it, and personalities matter enough, that it's too easy to discriminate based on gender, ethnicity, etc, without even being aware of it. The simplest definition I can think of is that no woman should be refused solely because she's being female. There are all kinds of issue with this that I will address in #3).

I think feminists can have boyfriends and husbands and children, because I think being a girlfriend / wife / mother has nothing to do with wanting girls all over the world to have a chance to choose. Some girls like basketball, some girls like dolls. Some girls want to become astronauts, some want to be become stay-at-home mothers. It doesn't matter. What matters is that they have the right to choose. That no one else, be it well-meaning male and female relatives or pressure from peers and complete strangers, is making the choice for them. This is not the same thing as asking for advise on choices. My belief is that a person's final choice about his or her life should be up to that person.

I think feminists are not required to hate men. I have nothing against men, I have something against people with over-inflated sense of self-worth, regardless of gender, and girls are just as bad as guys even if the delivery is a bit different. The people I know who are feminists don't hate men. I don't think having a Y chromosome makes people stupid by default, I think failing to learn from your mistakes, repeatedly, is stupid, and I know people of both genders who are so brilliant (with or without the Nobel prize) that I feel vaguely I should commit some act of hero worship. Gender has very little to do with it. There are people who claim themselves feminists and hate men and think men are stupid. There are people who call themselves feminists and are more...female supremacists -- if I got that term right. Like any movement, feminism have different fractions, some of which probably wouldn't consider me as a "feminist". I'm okay with that.

I think feminists can wear dresses and makeup and pink. The fact that I don't is a personal preference. I believe in wearing what makes you comfortable, what makes you feel good. I am against being told I can't wear pants to a ceremony because all girls have to wear something with skirts.

I think feminists can be good at "traditional" female roles, such as baking, cooking, sewing, cleaning. I don't find these things demeaning. Then again, I think all guys should know how to bake, cook, sew, clean as well. No, I'm not asking for gourmet cook (though top chefs are predominantly men, so I find it ironic when guys insist that cooking is a "girl thing") or a tailor or what-have-you, I'm asking for someone with basic life skills. Both girls and guy can be good at these things. They can be awful at these things.

I don't think feminists are required to bristle at terms such as "girl" "ma'am" or "miss" or "lady". Or at least no more than the male counterpart would bristle at "boy", "sir", "mister" or "gentleman". You see, either gender'd be offended if called by the diminutive in a formal occasion.

2) Why I consider myself to be a feminist.

The short answer is: see part 1).

I am not part of women's right's movement, not a radical, or even doing a degree in women's studies. I am a soft-spoken, left of center leaning biologist. I consider myself a feminist because I have been told that I shouldn't sit on the floor, slouch, wander around barefoot, wear pants to my high school graduation, go to graduate school, become a professional scientist, because I am a girl. Not because I might catch a cold, not because I look horrible in pants, not because I'm not smart enough --any of those I can accept as a valid reason, even if it may not stop me from talking back (I do that a lot) -- but because I happen to be born female. I am a feminist because I have been told all that and after some thoughts my response is "No."

I've never done any sort of feminist parade. I sit on the floor, go barefoot as long as the ground is clear and not too cold, wear pants to all formal events and have since high school graduation, enrolled in a doctorate program, and am getting paid ...currently trying to turn the right parts of fish purple. I am not the exception to the rule. All these things are possible for girls and women. Or at least they should be. I want to show people that, and that's why I hoard stories about extraordinary women in history and in science, why I have endless rounds of discussions with my relatives that leaves both sides emotionally exhausted, and realizing that there are a lot of well meaning guys (apparently I need to reach grad school level in order to have guy friends) who were genuinely not aware that this is an issue. I am not really an activist. Feminism is a political standing for me the way being liberal is a political standing. I'd like to consider my particular brand feminism as a way of life, I want the people around me who are not aware of feminism and its issues to stop, if only for a moment, and think about it, and I hope to be a good role model, to both the undergrads and the children of my friends, regardless of their gender, because I believe in countering arguments with facts and so for all the "girls can't" out there I want to be one of the girls who can.

3) Why I think feminism is necessary. 

Parts 1 and 2 all tie to together and already address parts of this. In USA and, from what I hear, western Europe, women have quite a good standing. This is not true throughout the world. A lot of rights we take for granted (e.g., school, marriage, etc) these days are unwillingly granted privileges. 

But even in US and Western Europe (and UK, because I'm not really sure if UK considers itself part of Europe), we still get things like this, of which my favorite was this:

Male boss told female colleague she was too emotional in her job & that’s why she was stressed. Same boss marked down a female colleague’s appraisal based on his opinion of her clothing, which is fine acc to rules. 2012

Though this is quite good too

 2003, at 18 saw a male doctor about bad period pain. He suggested I should have a baby. No prescription offered.

And my favorite response:

Mum kept maiden name. Responds to calls insisting for “Mr.*Mothersname*” with “He died 20 years ago and never lived here

Prejudice is insidious, and in my field there's both the more obvious "sorry kind of waste to give you grant money because you're going to have BABIES" and "yeah she's a smart lady too bad she decided to become a mother, such a waste" (I kid you not, these things happen) and the more subtle benevolent sexism, which in the sciences tend to manifest as a focus on women who "happen" to be scientists rather than scientists who happen to be female and attention is drawn toward the scientist's gender and appearance rather than her work. Or saying that women should work on such and such type experiments because they're more detail oriented &c and always, always with the implication that women shouldn't work on such and such other projects.

Then there's of course, the story I've posted about how J. K. Rowling was made to publish under her initials because her publisher was initially worried that her books wouldn't sell well because it was written by a women. Or the existence of Facebook group "Hillary Clinton: Stop Running for President and Make Me a Sandwich", with, according to this article, 44,000-plus members

4) Right, on to counter arguments.

A. Musculists.
The overall concern that I'm picking up here is that women's rights are gained at the loss of men's. There are a lot of people experiencing the reverse double-standard, where they see women who demand equal pay and then insist on men paying for meals and complaining about women who dress provocatively to get what they want.  There are definitely experiences with feminists who treats all men as incompetent and something called the "Lost Boys" phenomenon, which I think is referring to Peter Pan Complex "never grow up" like behavior and how all the girls are going off to college while the guys go on to deliver pizzas and can't look women in the eyes &c. 

I don't think women gaining right should result in a loss of men's. I think it's possible for both sex to achieve equal rights. The feminism movement has upset a lot of paradigms, sure, and it's definitely disorienting for the guys out there who are not sure how to act and whether or not their well meaning acts of chivalry will earn them a slap or not. I think it's up to the women to define what they expect from the guys, and just like how some guys liked to be fussed over while others get annoyed by "clinginess", some girls are pleased to have guys who offer to carry stuff for them, while others will see this as an indicator that the guys don't think they can take care of themselves and be offended. Girls need to talk and guys need to ask, and girls definitely need to realize that "equality" means equal rights and equal responsibility, which means an end to being coddled for being a girl. (Again, feminists have fractions and I don't agree with all of them.)

As for the provocative outfits: 1) what is the outfit? Because there are too many guys who think a girl is "asking for it" if she wears a tank-top and has curves which, because she's female, she will have. Which is not to say that there are not inappropriate clothing because tank-tops are definitely not the stuff anyone should wear to interviews and if a girl gets hired because she's in a tank-top...weeeeeelll that job. It's. Um. I wouldn't want to be that girl. Let's just put it that way. 2) More generally speaking, this is just a manifestation of "using your looks to get what you want", which happens in both genders for all kinds of things. It's something people do, not just females.

I have no experience with the Lost Boys. My class did pretty well for themselves in both genders so I can only hypothesize about likely causes. Avoiding eye contact indicates discomfort or insecurity. Parts of it, again, could have to do with the paradigm change so that guys are not really sure what's the right way to behave around girls and that there're some extremist feminists out there making a lot of noise about how Males Are Evil. (Which -- wtf?) I'm not sure why guys all decided to not pursue college or why this is a fault of the girls. Maybe they want to be stay at home fathers? If they can do the stuff that stay at home mothers can (e.g. cook, sew, pick children up from school and make sure they do their homework &c) I don't see why not.

B) Chivalry vs Feminism

It's not fair for the women who insists on extreme feminism (i.e. independent Do Everything Yourself variety) to turn around and then complain about chivalry being dead, especially when by "chivalry" they mean paying for meals, opening doors, carrying things &c. You can't insist on doing everything yourself then complain about doing everything yourself. You just can't. This goes back to the equal rights also means equal responsibility part. If you are female, insist on equality, you should be prepared  to help your guy friends carry stuff, especially if you're taller than they are since, gender being equal, burden carrying load logically should be proportional to your physical size.

Personally I offer to carry stuff whenever I see someone who looks like they need help, regardless of size or gender (hey, sometimes they just grab more than they can juggle -- it happens). In lab I ask help from the guys when the autoclave door is stuck and I can't open it because I'm five feet four inches, barely, and unless you count the undergrads I'm the tallest female in lab. I ask help from a girl if it's something that we can grab hold of together. Mostly I ask help from whomever's not in the middle of an experiment at the moment. If someone offers to help me when I don't need it, I politely refuse and I expect them to respect my wishes, and they do, and everyone's happy. I've helped guys haul stuff, because guys have only two hands, just like girls do. I open doors for people regardless of gender (though I do notice that it's hilariously awkward for guys when I do this while wearing something that's less gender-neutral and more girly) (it's fine guys -- I'm pretty straight forward and if I offered, it's fine -- chill, I'm not insinuating anything). I have offered to pay for girl's coffee and guy's coffee and pay for whomever accepts.

And that works out for me. Offer, regardless of gender, act, if offer is accepted, step back if the offer is declined and everyone's happy.

To the girls: if a guy offers he's not anti-feminist.
To the guys: if a girl offers she's not insulting your masculinity.

To be fair, there's no pleasing everyone, but this is pretty much true for anything.

C) Feminism leads to marriage and divorce woes

I think the woes are always there, feminism just gave the women the courage to speak up and act. If divorce must require the consent of both spouse, what's to prevent an abusive spouse from continuing the cycle of abuse? Unless the argument is that the victim deserves it? Pay attention: the real life stories are out there. Those people do not deserve any of their mistreatment.

4) Other stuff

A. Maybe it's because I'm Chinese and in the academia, but I fail to see what the issue is with women who don't take their husband's name after marrying. I mean if you want to, fine. But why is it wrong to keep your name? You are married. There's a paper and everything.

B. Feminism != hatred of all things female. Again, there are different types of feminism. I think that women who want family will have family, there's no need to "courage" women to have family, or to "discourage" women from having family. Feminism should women's right to choose. Someone who says stay at home moms "don't work" has clearly never been a stay at home mother before. Also, I refuse to give up my collection of stuffed animals. They're fluffy and cute and I like them.

C. This. ...just...what? (Maybe they're solely focused on separatist / radical feminism? I guess?)

D. The internet is tricky and vast and the extremists on both sides can of course always find material to support each of their arguments. Much like academic publication. Anything can get published, but the data and citations may not be any good.

E. I believe both men and women suffer from gender stereotypes, but in the cultures I've alluded to in this post, women suffer more because in none of these cultures have the males of the dominant racial group ever had to fight for the right to vote, to be educated, to own property, or to file a divorce. I might also add that in the US non-Caucasian men gained the right to vote before women of any ethnicity did.

F. I will make another post at some point about all the links and stories and media I've collected to continue the theme of this post.

G. I did wander off topic from my intro, didn't I? Darn it.