Susan vs. fashion: the epic quest for pockets

Nearly all of you who know me in real life (as well as some of you who only know me from online) know of my continuous bemusement & frustration with fashion, the most recent of which is my on-going quest to find a suite (blazer +/- slacks) that I can wear to the conference in two weeks that a) fits and b) have pockets. It was an arduous journey fraught with treachery and well-meaning but confused sales reps and, until today, fruitless.

As I've posted to facebook: I have found a blazer with pockets. Victory is mine. 


What I didn't mention was that I also kept tally today of how many times I had false hope raised because of fake pockets (weird things, fake pockets). That number, in case you are wondering, is 12. This is not counting the number of blazers that don't even pretend to have pockets (should I then give the ones with fake pockets points for trying to have pockets or detract points because I find them purposefully misleading?). I had to take a break halfway because of a combination of exhaustion and frustration and ended up contemplating the meaning of my life, feminism, and fashion while eating gelato next to the fountain in the mall (and inspiring a series of gelato-envy in the small children passing by).

At one point, upon my return to the air-conditioned labyrinth (look, I used the words "epic quest" in the title of this post, I feel like that contains all the necessary warning a person needs for melodrama), a sales rep who probably saw me wandering around back and forth in the same section asked if I needed help, to which I replied that I wanted "a blazer with pockets". She proceeded then to grab blazers. The first four she tried all had fake pockets. Feeling a little bad (she's trying), I said that inside pockets are fine too, because I had found one with fake outside pockets but one inside pocket and I was just wondering if I had more option than just that one (which I wasn't sure would fit me) and so she kept trying...and ended up recruiting another sales rep to go around trying to figure out if any of the fake pockets were actually real pockets in some nefarious kind of disguise.

Between the two of them they found one "blazer" with actual pockets.
I typed "blazer" with quotation marks because it was transparent.

SO.

I muttered something about looking in the boy's section and one of the sales reps agreed.

I ended up on my own again and FINALLY found a couple of alternatives (two boy and four miss, actually). Suite jackets are far more complicated than just shirts and hoodies, I've discovered, because they're meant to have a tailored look so the boy-jacket doesn't work (ends up bunched around my waist-- I apparently have hips, who knew?). Miss is kind of complicated because it varies so much depending on brand, and then there's regular sizing vs petite sizing. There was one that was spectacularly ill-fitting where the only thing that fitted was the waist -- it was too long in the torso, too narrow in the hips and arms, and far too large in the chest area (as in I could stuff my knapsack in the v of the collar without stretching the fabric) -- I just had to look in the mirror and laugh because what. (The people next to me in the fitting room probably wondered what's with all the giggling.)

Dear Gods, I have tried on enough brands today that I have a lot of data to add to my size spreadsheet. I'm thinking, at this point, of bringing a measuring tape with me because different brands have different (or so it seems) chest to waist and waist to hip ratio, so I can plot the ratios by brand, you see, and release the graph unto Tumblr. This way, if you know what your built is like, you can just zero in on your brand and save time  (at least if you're like me and find hunting for clothing more of a hassle than a pleasure -- if you love shopping and don't like to be limited by brands / can afford good tailoring by all means, enjoy yourself).

Anyway: I have a navy blazer with pockets! Yay!