Went to Ashley's baby shower, which I liked much more than I expected, considering that the only person I went in knowing was ...Ashley. People were astounded when they found out how long we've been friends and actually said things to me along the lines of "I could never keep a friend that long", which I thought was sad. Upon reflection, it could be that everyone has different definitions of friends. Certainly I've in instances when I heard someone refer to me as their friend to their other friends when I consider us to be more like friendly acquaintances, and I know some people like to have large numbers of friends so that they have this...cloud of people they know, wherever they go, and certainly that's fine too! It's just that for me, partially because I'm an introvert, I'm more comfortable with a small group of friends and I suspect that my definition of friend is more like "close friend". Or at least I measure whether or not someone is my friend by how far I'm willing to go for someone, to trust someone, allowing them the liberties I would never consider for others? For me, at least "friend" is a label that has a LOT of emotional investment! I try to be polite and friendly to all and make the effort of being acquaintances with more people than I'm strictly comfortable with, but I don't actually make the commitment to making a friend unless I start to think that's someone I want around for the rest of my life in some way. Even if I don't always succeed. Even if we only get the chance to talk once a year or something I go in wanting to keep the person for as long as I can and from that perspective, the number of people my age who are ...agog at friendships that can last for longer than five years makes me sad. Yes it's fine to have a group of ..."casual friends" -- I guess that's what you'd call them? I don't even know -- but I keep thinking, during each iteration of "yes we really have know each other for that long", that's there's this really, really wonderful thing that they're missing out.
Sadly this isn't like...some new type of tea I can just get them to try. And of course for the ones who are just making the remark for the sake of something to say, I don't care as much, but for those who said it quietly, enviously, it's a little heartbreaking. Because it's possible. It's possible to have people in your lives, unrelated to you, that you can rely on. And certainly they sound like this is something that they wanted and of course I don't know any of them or their stories so it's all just...there's this fine tinge of melancholy in the laughter bubbling through the afternoon.
It's one thing about me that I can understand people being envious about, because I have been on the other end as well. Though being the subject of envy has always been equal parts flattering and unnerving.
Also unnerving are people who only knew you for three hours and expect you to hug them when leaving. I am not comfortable with casual physical affection at all by which I mean being hugged by people whose name that I don't even know makes me want to crawl out of my skin. (Also one of the lady was wearing really strong perfume so now my coat smells like it and I kind of feel like I need to get it dry cleaned but then I feel like it's insulting to the unknown lady who I will probably never see again -- yes I am aware of how much logic there ISN'T -- that I'm acting like I find her so repellent that I need to remove all traces of physical contact with her but it's really making me uncomfortable and weirdly jittery but it's not worse than jittery so I don't know. I haven't decided. Maybe if I just hung my coat out in the sun all day tomorrow that'd do the trick?)
2 comments:
Hm, I feel like most people, even if they are the type to keep a large group of casual friends everywhere, have one or two friends they've had since childhood or adolescence and will always be in contact with. Maybe what surprised them was that they perceived your friendship with Ashley to be more casual than it actually is?
As for being introduced as a friend by someone you think is an acquaintance- they might think of you the same way actually, but you never introduce someone as "this is my acquaintance Jane!" It's kind of insulting. So "friend" covers a very wide range of familiarity there. That said, obviously people's definitions of a friend vary, like you said.
Don't feel bad about the coat. If I was wearing a perfume that made you sick or something and I got it all over your clothing, I wouldn't be insulted by you wanting to remove it. It's not even close to being personal, you just want the smell of. And it's totally fine that the contact made you uncomfortable and if the smell reminds you of that discomfort on top of everything else, then all the more reason to go ahead and get rid of it. I think sun and air should do the trick but if not, dry-clean away!
1) I feel that if that were the case they would not say "I would never be able to keep a friend that long". I mean that phrasing is pretty specific?
2) Again this could just be me being really literal about things but I tend to not introduce others as "friend" if I don't consider them as such -- I've introduced tons of people as (+/- former) classmates / coworkers or my friend ______'s _________ so there's definitely potential misunderstanding there due to people's concept of courtesy!
c) Have aired out coat all night and it's baking in sun right now.
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